My so called life.

So things have been a little less than ordinary. No, they have been down right F*cked up. Christmas is just around the corner but there is very little, if any, holiday cheer oozing from me which makes me sad. This is why I need to rant so please excuse my bitching and complaining just this one post.
Something terrible happened to me, to our family and to our lives. What is done is done and though I told myself early on that I could 'suck it up, sister' turns out that is not the case at all. In fact that is so not the case that forgetting to put the recycling bin out Tuesday morning resulted in a temper tantrum on my part. Here is why I'm having such a tough time with life right now. Though I know that this 'thing' that happened will never go away and that it is likely to get worse before it gets better, I never dreamed that I was so vulnerable to just completely falling apart. They call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I call it living hell. I have never felt so completely out of control of my body, my mind, my thoughts and fears, basically out of control of my life. What worsens this is spending so much time alone. To be alone is just as much my choice, or I guess my fault depending on how you look at it. If only we chose to live in the city then it wouldn't matter that we're down to one vehicle that Troy needs for work. If only we didn't live in a country with a climate that included 'snow season'. If only I felt in the loop and not so lost and alone in this whole ordeal then I would know what emotion to concentrate on feeling instead of flip flopping like a fish out of water, slowly losing the fight.
It's scary feeling like this. I'm scared. It's terrifying not controlling the thoughts that swirl in my head both when I'm awake and asleep. I see why people kill them selves. Now don't worry, that's not what I'm getting at but I think I'm seeing a glimpse of what it must feel like to lose control of your life. I though still have the vital 'Hope' and lots of it. Lucky for me there is help. Lucky for me I can start off by blogging to perhaps no one to vent and to get these thoughts out of my head, keep them from perpetually ricocheting off one another with no real solutions. Lucky for me a have a small handful of very good friends that will answer their phone at all hours and offer their kind and reassuring words.
"why you Amanda?!" she said to me this morning "out of all of the people in the word why did this all have to happen to you"
My thoughts exactly though my very next thought is 'it figures'.
Even when I think that I have had my fair share of Trauma and Drama what's done is done and now I get to run around my little life trying to pick up the pieces...again.
We also concluded that perhaps Troy's way of dealing with his inner demons is to slaughter goats and hens in the name of 'good intentions'. In the whole scheme of things he seems to be handling it ok.
Maybe my feelings are exaggerated because I am so very, very isolated on our farm. With few to none bouts of adult conversation I've not much else to do than to spend minute after minute after hour mingling with the dark corners of my mind.
At times I feel like I might not be able to take that next breath. I read things like that in books but never really believed that anyone could actually feel like that. I've also read about spontaneous crying and unwarranted spasms of severe anger which make parenting, at times, interesting but mostly very difficult. Having to continuously apologize to your children for such irrational behaviour is not how I pictured it.
"I'm sorry Mommy is being such a Bitch this morning. I'm not angry at you guys, maybe you should stay home from school to keep me company--nah, you should go...don't argue with me and no, I'm not sure why I'm crying...again"
The constant ups and downs that come with being judged, questioned, second guessed and even blamed are enough to make me physically ill, unable to enjoy anything, or if anything that I eat. Leisurely much needed afternoon naps are impossible and the involuntary shaking scares the hell out of me.
(...an hour and a half later...)
Speak of the Devil, or perhaps the opposite. The Jehova's Witness' popped in for a visit. First terrified from my paranoia to see an unfamiliar vehicle in my drive way, then relived to see a somewhat familiar face, I don't care if they want to preach to me about the laws of physics or the life cycle of a worm. There were people here to occupy my brain for a short while. Kind people, whatever their religious beliefs, smiling, validating, not judging. Thank God, no really. That was just what I needed.
I may not be religious myself but sometimes things are too hard to explain.
Ugh...I'll get through this...I'll get through this...