Me and My Book Ends!

There is a good chance I may have tipped over if Corrah and Diesel (a.k.a. Ben) weren't lazy as...well...Dogs!

My Daughter the "WHO"

Somehow Asha figured out how to make her hair do that for her school Christmas concert.
...ummm, awesome!

My so called life.

So things have been a little less than ordinary. No, they have been down right F*cked up. Christmas is just around the corner but there is very little, if any, holiday cheer oozing from me which makes me sad. This is why I need to rant so please excuse my bitching and complaining just this one post.
Something terrible happened to me, to our family and to our lives. What is done is done and though I told myself early on that I could 'suck it up, sister' turns out that is not the case at all. In fact that is so not the case that forgetting to put the recycling bin out Tuesday morning resulted in a temper tantrum on my part. Here is why I'm having such a tough time with life right now. Though I know that this 'thing' that happened will never go away and that it is likely to get worse before it gets better, I never dreamed that I was so vulnerable to just completely falling apart. They call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I call it living hell. I have never felt so completely out of control of my body, my mind, my thoughts and fears, basically out of control of my life. What worsens this is spending so much time alone. To be alone is just as much my choice, or I guess my fault depending on how you look at it. If only we chose to live in the city then it wouldn't matter that we're down to one vehicle that Troy needs for work. If only we didn't live in a country with a climate that included 'snow season'. If only I felt in the loop and not so lost and alone in this whole ordeal then I would know what emotion to concentrate on feeling instead of flip flopping like a fish out of water, slowly losing the fight.
It's scary feeling like this. I'm scared. It's terrifying not controlling the thoughts that swirl in my head both when I'm awake and asleep. I see why people kill them selves. Now don't worry, that's not what I'm getting at but I think I'm seeing a glimpse of what it must feel like to lose control of your life. I though still have the vital 'Hope' and lots of it. Lucky for me there is help. Lucky for me I can start off by blogging to perhaps no one to vent and to get these thoughts out of my head, keep them from perpetually ricocheting off one another with no real solutions. Lucky for me a have a small handful of very good friends that will answer their phone at all hours and offer their kind and reassuring words.
"why you Amanda?!" she said to me this morning "out of all of the people in the word why did this all have to happen to you"
My thoughts exactly though my very next thought is 'it figures'.
Even when I think that I have had my fair share of Trauma and Drama what's done is done and now I get to run around my little life trying to pick up the pieces...again.
We also concluded that perhaps Troy's way of dealing with his inner demons is to slaughter goats and hens in the name of 'good intentions'. In the whole scheme of things he seems to be handling it ok.
Maybe my feelings are exaggerated because I am so very, very isolated on our farm. With few to none bouts of adult conversation I've not much else to do than to spend minute after minute after hour mingling with the dark corners of my mind.
At times I feel like I might not be able to take that next breath. I read things like that in books but never really believed that anyone could actually feel like that. I've also read about spontaneous crying and unwarranted spasms of severe anger which make parenting, at times, interesting but mostly very difficult. Having to continuously apologize to your children for such irrational behaviour is not how I pictured it.
"I'm sorry Mommy is being such a Bitch this morning. I'm not angry at you guys, maybe you should stay home from school to keep me company--nah, you should go...don't argue with me and no, I'm not sure why I'm crying...again"
The constant ups and downs that come with being judged, questioned, second guessed and even blamed are enough to make me physically ill, unable to enjoy anything, or if anything that I eat. Leisurely much needed afternoon naps are impossible and the involuntary shaking scares the hell out of me.
(...an hour and a half later...)
Speak of the Devil, or perhaps the opposite. The Jehova's Witness' popped in for a visit. First terrified from my paranoia to see an unfamiliar vehicle in my drive way, then relived to see a somewhat familiar face, I don't care if they want to preach to me about the laws of physics or the life cycle of a worm. There were people here to occupy my brain for a short while. Kind people, whatever their religious beliefs, smiling, validating, not judging. Thank God, no really. That was just what I needed.
I may not be religious myself but sometimes things are too hard to explain.
Ugh...I'll get through this...I'll get through this...

Why my car is the car for me.

Today while I was driving home from Walmart a strange thought crossed my mind. My little red 1987 Plymouth Sundance was nearly stuffed to the seams. I had two toddlers strapped in their car seats, both little heads drooping, on the verge of sleep. My Walmart purchases, bagged and piled on the passenger seat beside me and in the trunk amongst the usual mess was a big, heavy sack of chicken feed that the gentleman at the feed store very kindly placed there for me. Why this thought popped into my head I do not know and why ever, in my neutral state of mind that I sternly convinced my self to 'be in', took this random thought and elaborated is nothing short of interesting. Sometimes, well more and more lately, my little red car will stall while I'm idling at a red light. Troy said it has something to do with the timing being off, my sister suggested that it's the fuel injectors being blocked -- who knows. It just stalls. I discovered a while ago that if I put my car in neutral it usually prevents the stall. This take me back to the part about 'sternly convincing myself to not think too hard today...to let my brain coast in neutral to 'prevent a stall' in my own emotions. That part was kind of interesting. Because there really isn't much more to do when I'm driving I start to ponder other ways that my car and I are alike. My car and my self are trusty, we both have our bad days but usually we can work it out. My car is little but very, very solid. Nuf said about that if you know me well enough. My car is certainly not fancy and appearance wise its pretty safe to say that neither my car nor I give a damn. I tune into the country song that is playing on the radio. I like the song and certainly can't imagine a more suited genre of music to be played in the dust-covered car. The one and only bumper sticker plastered on the back of my car reads 'If I didn't own a horse, this would be a Ferrari'. My life is made up of that same theory and I've said many many times that I'm living this exact life I have because the things that are important to me are the things that I choose. Sure I could be living in some crumby apartment somewhere and have lots of nice new things but I choose our farm and a dusty, out-dated collection of our old things. My car has been hauling me and my family around for quite some time just as I have been hauling my family and children around whether is just running errands or moving us from one situation to another. My car might be small but it sure is a fighter and can kick most 2 wheel drives' butts when it comes to plowing through snowy driveways with its tires as good as a heavy pair or rubber boots. I own several pairs. Boots, not tires. My car is also fairly low maintenance - I guess in my case it would depend on who you asked, but I consider myself low pretty low maintenance! Anyway, this is sort of a silly blog but I wanted to write it anyway. It just got me thinking that I love my car and perhaps there is deeper reason behind that than just 'it runs' I can't picture myself driving a Pick up or a station wagon. Which has rubbed off on which? People say you take on your dogs persona or at least tend to choose a dog sub-consciously with the same persona, can you do like wise with your car? Is this why Troy doesn't like driving my car? Is this why Troy looks so funny driving my car, it's not just the size thing? It now makes sense to me why Troy had such a hard time selling his broken down Dodge Ram pick up. because if Troy was a vehicle he would, with out a doubt, be that pick up. As I got closer to home I wondered if I was maybe going a bit crazy or if I maybe had one coffee too many this morning or if I was simply 'that' bored that my brain spent almost 20 minutes thinking about this. While getting ready to sit down and write this blog I decided that I was not crazy or hopped up on caffeine but that I think I'm making sense. For those of you who know me, you know that my life has been a bit confusing and hectic lately hence the forced neutral mood I decided to put myself in this morning. So far today I haven't 'stalled' even once. I think sometimes just deciding to not think is the best option. Just as I unloaded the car I also unload my head, which was also busting at the seams and it worked. My car and I are both 'testy' on damp, rainy days so to both my car, and my, pleasant surprise it decided not to rain today! For now I hope we can both just keep rolling right along!!